Quotes from some recent columns:

On accusations of Bush and Cheney profiting from the Iraq war:

"If there was so much money in war, John Kerry would have proposed to it years ago."

"There are two reasons why bald men should never wear toupees: 'Burt', and 'Reynolds'."

On Hillary speaking of raising taxes for the "common good":

"For perhaps the first time in 20-plus years, Hillary Clinton has aroused a man... unfortunately, that man is Karl Marx."

"George Soros gets brown-nosed by so many Democrat fundraisers that at his next colonoscopy, the doctor is likely to find a benign polyp and five liberal activists."

"John Kerry looks down his nose so much that it's an ophthalmological miracle that he isn't crosseyed."

"Al Gore's public talks have turned into verbal 'Picassos' -- loud and wildly overexaggerated. If anybody's speeches have four eyes, two noses, and three boobs, they're Gores."

"At the (pro-choice) rally, the colors and attitude sported by the crowd gave a good indication of what would be conceived if hot pink neon mated with a Joni Mitchell song."

"The Sensenbrenner Bill, passed by the House 306-97, states that special elections must be held within 45 days if 100 or more House members are killed, or in some way unable to fulfull their duties--for example, in the event of a terrorist attack, or a floor collapse at a strip club."

"Ted Kennedy has a dog named 'Splash'? I wonder if he ever lets Splash get together with Joe Hazelwood's dog, Slick, for a nice game of frisbee at 'Irony Park'."

The cookbook being sold to raise money to build Bill Clinton's library:

"That's right everybody, now you too can simulate the stroganoff in the Oval Office--all in the comfort of your own kitchen!"

On the effect "The Passion" may have on Hollywood's traditional recognition of independent films:

"They do it as a charity of sorts, since they know that more people viewed Jack Nicholson's latest colonoscopy than saw 'Liana Dognini'.

On the possibility of John McCain being Kerry's running mate:

"Could happen--McCain's been in bed with more Democrats than Marilyn Monroe. The 'McCain-Feingold bill', the 'McCain-Kerrey bill' (Bob Kerrey, Nebraska democrat), the 'McCain-Feinstein bill', the 'McCain-Lieberman bill', the 'McCain-Leahy bill', the 'McCain-Edwards-Kennedy bill', and even the 'McCain-Kerry' bill--The list goes on. If McCain sucks up to one more Democrat he'll be qualified to win a dream date with Maureen Dowd."

On the effect "The Passion" may have on Hollywood's traditional recognition of independent films:

"They do it as a charity of sorts, since they know that more people viewed Jack Nicholson's latest colonoscopy than saw 'Liana Dognini'.

CBS's punishment if somebody were to read from the Bible during a Super Bowl halftime show:

"The network would be ordered by the FCC to air a series of PSA's featuring the cast of 'Joan of Arcadia' reminding us that God is a fictional character on the show, and to reunite Della Reese and Roma Downey for a movie entitled 'Touched by a Figment of Your Imagination."

On the Bush administration increasing funding for the National Endowment for the Arts:

Somewhere in the great beyond, Robert Mapplethorpe is thanking President Bush, endorsing somebody else, and preparing for his next great piece of 'art' by grabbing his camera, whizzing in a pickle jar, and asking St. Peter, "Can I borrow your cross for an hour?"

"Bill Clinton is reportedly dating a Canadian business woman. Why do I have the feeling this scandal is going to culminate with the phrase, 'It depends on what your definition of 'Canuck' is.'"

"Michael Bolton showed up in Iowa to endorse Dick Gephardt. The most surprising thing about Bolton's endorsement speech was that it wasn't a remake of somebody else's endorsement speech."

"There could be other options for financing a manned mission to Mars. I personally think corporate sponsorship is the way to go. The entire trip could be paid for by a wireless company, simply by one astronaut agreeing to stand on the surface of Mars, pull out a flip-phone, and say 'can you hear me now?'"

Joe Lieberman's campaign slogan: "Rugged good looks, 'command presence', and contagious enthusiasm... who needs 'em?"

Why Hillary Clinton started the pantsuit fashion trend:

"Any woman who's tried walking while wearing a skirt with a smuggled Lenox tea service rattling in their panty hose knows that other fashion options must be found to keep it properly hidden."

"To the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, the terrorist suspects detained at Guantanamo Bay deserve the best defense your money can buy--you, on the other hand, will only be able to afford representation from your Uncle Earl, who once had half a semester of business law at Paducah Junior College."

On Hollywood's "Hate Bush" rally:

"Some of the most inane discussion to come out of Hollywood since the initial production meeting for 'Cop Rock.'"

"The Senate voted to bury the nation's nuclear power waste at Nevada's Yucca Mountain, and to also officially change the name of the site to 'Enrico Fermi's Port-A-Potty.'"

"Ted Kennedy voted 'no' on banning partial-birth abortions, continuing to tow the line of: 'If abortions are outlawed, only outlaws will be allowed to screw around with a Kennedy.'"

On the Libertarian Party's refusal to infiltrate the Republican Party, and instead relegate themselves to obscurity within their own party:

"They'll be forever sitting on an airport runway, refusing to get on a 747 because they're convinced they can make their own out of some 2 x 4's, glue, mason blocks, and the motor from a weedwacker."

"The racial finger here is pointed, of course, at conservatives, when it's the left who politically separate blacks from whites with such ferocity it's as if they're getting a couple of wash loads ready at the sociological Laundromat."

On the possibility of James Carville hosting a morning show on "GoreTV":

"At long last, ladies can wake up with a guy like James Carville without a searing hangover and dramatically lower self-esteem."

"John Edwards' hair looks a lot like Janet Reno's, but lacks the authoritative nature that can only be pulled off by a man's haircut on a woman the size of a Winnebago."

"Actor/activist Tim Robbins' speech was delivered with an authoritative swagger that only the most talented of actors can pretend to have, but seemed out of place for Robbins, who came across like Bullwinkle struggling to sound Churchillian."

On the difference between Hillary's book and J.K. Rowling's latest:

"One is a fictional book about a wizard who's surrounded by warlocks and monsters, and the other one is the next in the 'Harry Potter' series."

"We won't soon forget when Mike Dukakis climbed aboard a tank after donning a ponderous helmet with a hammock for a chin strap, making it look like somebody put a khaki wok on the head of a mentally challenged Greek bobblehead doll."

"During the Clinton years, Tipper Gore was slapping parental warning labels everywhere except where they really belonged -- on Bubba's pants."

"Wherever you see Michael Moore, you assume it's the bus stop."

"A politician complaining about the economy is like the Menendez brothers whining about being orphans."

"Bill Clinton is the Uri Gellar of verbiage, and words are his spoon."

"The U.S. military doesn't waste energy on flagrantly over-exaggerated marches, like the limp-wristed goose-step and other 'Chorus Line-ish' promenades that prove nothing other than that particular army is from a nation that is led by a sociopathic control freak who is a wannabe Broadway director."

"The moralist isn't perfect, and we shouldn't expect that. If we lived in a world that couldn't distinguish the difference between the message and the messenger, there wouldn't be any fat football coaches or good chefs who are skinny."

"The Academy Awards people need to come up with an Oscar category for these war protesters. They're good actors, great whiners, and deserve to play first-chair snivelhorn with the likes of 'Martin Sheen and his all-Bohemian orchestra.'"

"They (leftist Hollywood) stay here because acting gigs are much harder to come by in the commie countries. You can whine about this nation from Malibu, while making millions acting and directing; or you can chastise and belittle the United States from China, while earning 75 Yuan a week for playing the lead in 'If They Could See Me Mao' at the Wuhan Community Playhouse."

"Until Bill Clinton wins a Nobel Peace prize, he will always feel empty and out of place -- like a fireplace mantle in Little Rock without a bowling trophy on it."

"The Raelian cult has made news recently for claiming they successfully cloned a human being. By 'successfully,' I assume they mean that the baby doesn't look like anybody in the Raelian cult."

"Sean Penn, who said he went to Iraq on a 'fact finding' tour, is complaining about being misquoted by the Iraqi press. Since the terms 'Iraqi press' and 'Hollywood fact finder' are oxymoronically interchangeable, I figure this falls under the 'no harm, no foul' umbrella."

"We say 'thanks for the laughs' to those feminists who champion the cause of women's rights, while their grandkids are in the backyard playing balloon toss with one of their old breast implants."

"Paul Wellstone's casket must now suffer the eternal indignity of being plastered in 'Mondale 2002' stickers."

"The only other things that can possibly relate to being under as much constant stress as the stay-at-home-mom are air-traffic controllers and Brian Dennehy's waistband."

"Obesity kills, which is an unpleasant fact that was first discovered by Virginia Rapp at one of Fatty Arbuckle's parties."

From ideas on how to spend the millions of dollars in disputed trust fund money for the Nixon Library:

"$6.5 million for a special 'Institute for the Prevention of Nervous Upper Lip Sweat' wing of the library. Visitors to this area will take a guided "History of Facial Hyperhidrosis" interactive tour including an experience in the '1960 presidential debate simulator.' This machine will recreate for visitors exactly how sweaty you can get under the pressures of debating under blazing hot television lights with no makeup on in front of millions of people next to a suave and sophisticated communicator while his brothers are just off camera hitting on your wife."

"Dick Gephardt's hair has a synthetic sheen to it-- kind of like if you spilled floor wax on a weiner dog."

On Al Gore's makeup during a presidential debate:

"The best comments that could be mustered by even the staunchest of his supporters was something along the lines of the mournfully positive fib you hear at funeral homes; 'They did a good job on Pop, didn't they?'"