Ezekiel Yoder plays the Lotto

     By Doug Powers

    Ezekiel Yoder walked in to the grocery store with a small list of things to get for his mother. A young Amish boy of 18, this was his first foray in to what his mother called "the world of the English."  The English just called it "Ricksville, Ohio." Ricksville is a small town with a population of about 90 on any given day. Amish communities surround the town and people often come in to Ralph's Grocery to buy food.

    Ezekiel approached Ralph with a list. The buckles on his show clanked against the floor.

    Ralph looked down. "You'd better tie those, boy, you'll trip."

    "Tie buckles?" asked Ezekiel naively.

    "Well, then buckle the buckles," shot back Ralph, "why are you people so literal?"

    Ezekiel bent over to buckle up while he read Ralph the grocery list that his mother had written out for him. "I will require 5 pounds of flour, a bottle of linseed oil, 6 pou..."

    "What do you think this is? Godsey's General Store?" Ralph interrupted. "This ain't the Waltons, boy. You have to go get it yourself off the shelf."

    Just then a sign behind the counter caught Ezekiels eye. "What is this 'lottoooo'?"

    "Just a buck kid, and if you hit all the numbers, you win."

    Ezekiel was intrigued. "Win what?"

    A gleam came to Ralph's eye. "Um, you'll win 5 new horses."

    "5 new horses for just a dollar? Wow, I'll take one of these 'lottoooo'!" Said Ezekiel as he gave Ralph a dollar.

    Ralph gave him the ticket. "And stop saying 'lottoooo', it's just 'lotto'. Try it. 'Lotto'."

    "Lottoooo."

    "No, no...'lotto'."

    Ezekiel tried again, "Lottoooooo."

    "Ahh forget it," said Ralph, "just remember that the drawing is tonight. You can either come back here then to check the numbers or I can send them to you via smoke signal."

    "Could you?" Said a delighted Ezekiel. "The smoke signals would save me a trip!"

    "That was a joke, butter churner. Since you don't have a television or a radio to get the winning numbers, you'll have to come back in here to find out."

    Ezekiel headed for the door. "Okay, see you then. Thank you Mr. Ralph."

    "Bye," said Ralph as Ezekiel walked away. Just then Ralph turned to his stock-boy Ricky. "This is perfect, I should just keep selling lotto tickets to these Amish types and tell them that the prize is 5 horses. If they win, I'll just go and get them 5 horses, send 'em on their way, and claim the winning ticket myself. I'm a genius!"

    Back at Ezekiels house his mother was furious. "I can't believe you. What's gotten in to you? You play this game of the English without telling me? What's next? Shoelaces? Oh, I can see it now, my son the laughingstock of the village. 'Look everybody, here he comes, it's Zipper-Boy with his shoelaces. Ha-Ha'."

    "Don't get like that mother, I was just trying to explore the English world. Besides, if we'd win, we could really use the..."

    "I'll not hear of it!" Cried Ezekiels mother, who was throwing logs in to the wood burner. "You will have nothing to do with this lotto. You will not visit this store again!"

    Ezekiel was still defiant. "But mother, the world of the English is very interesting. There's things called televisions, washing machines, and I even hear that there's a cure for Uncle Daniel's polio."

    "False rumors!" Ezekiels mother's patience was wearing as thin as her decade old bonnet. "That's why I don't want you exposed to these English people. And Uncle Daniel is quite happy, thank you. I prop him up under Bessie and he's there all day, milking with the best of them."

     "And what about telephones?" Ezekiel interrupted his mother. "I've seen Amish people using telephones."

    "Where?" said his mother.

    "On that movie Witness."

    "That was a movie boy!" Said Ezekiels mother. "And he wasn't really an Amish person. Harrison Ford was a policeman named John Book, and he was just dressed as an Amish person to hide out from these bad people who wanted to harm him."

    "How do you know this, mother?"

    "What is all this insolence?" Shot back Ezekiels mother. "You are not playing this lotto game, and that's final!"

    Ezekiel gave up. "Okay mother. But can I go over to Samuel's house and spend the night?"

    His mother thought for a moment. "Samuel Stoltzfus?"

    "No."

    "Samuel Fisher?"

    "Nope."

    "Samuel Beiler?"

    "Uh uh."

    "You want me to list every Samuel I know?" Cried Ezekiels mother. "Which one are you going to see?"

    "Samuel King." Said Ezekiel.

    "The Mennonite? The ones who go to an English doctor and have an AM radio?" She said cautiously.

    "Yes mother."

     "Damned liberals." Ezekiels mother said under her breath.

    "What did you say, mother?"

    "Oh, nothing. Okay, you can go. Tomorrow's Sunday, so we get to sleep in until 3:30, then we must get ready for worship, so be home on time! I don't really like you being around that Samuel boy, he's a little loose tongued for me."

    Ezekiel was surprised his mother was going to let him go to the Mennonite's house. When he got there, sure enough the radio was on. Ezekiel sat near it in awe. His friend Samuel brought some lemonade.

    "So Samuel, look at this ticket. I played this thing called 'lottoooo' today. Ralph at the store said if I win I get 5 horses."

    "5 horses, eh?" Said Samuel who immediately picked up on the fact that the store owner was trying to fool Ezekiel. "That's a pretty good prize for just a dollar."

    The radio signal had a bit of static, but was still understandable. The boys sat in front of the radio looking at the ticket and waiting for the winning numbers. The announcer came on. "The winning number for the village lottery is...4."

    "Oops," Said Samuel as he changed the station, "that's the Mennonite lottery on 'Radio Free Ricksville'. I'll find those winning numbers. The lotto of the English has far more numbers than the Mennonite lottery. Ahh, here it is."

    Once again the boys lay on their stomachs in front of the radio, staring intently at the lotto ticket on the floor in front of them. The numbers were read.

    "Thanks for tuning in to WXXX, Ricksville's oldies station. Got those winning lotto numbers for you, but first a quick update. Down in Lapp-Land there's a 22 buggy pile up. Butter and buckles everywhere..."

    Ezekiel seemed unnerved. "I hope no one was hurt!"

    "That's a joke, dumbass." Said Samuel. This jerkoff on the radio is always making fun of the Amish. Now shut up, he's going to read the numbers."

    Samuel fine-tuned the radio signal as the announcer continued. "Okay, those winning lotto numbers for this fine Saturday night are as follows: 14... 19... 11... 2... 43... 41... 39... 65... 26... 93... 32... "

    Ezekiels voice broke the silence. "There sure are a lot of numbers."

     "Shh," Said Samuel, who was listening and writing down every number, "I have to concentrate."

    The announcer continued. "66... 87... 1... 78... 64..."

    The boys started yawning. It was 9 o'clock in the evening, meaning they'd been awake almost 20 hours. Ezekiel laid his head down on the carpet as the announcer continued slowly.  "91... 29... 7... 62... 99... "

    "Geez, how many are there?" Samuel looked at the ticket as Ezekiel began to snore. Then the announcer reached the end.

    "... 33... and finally, 27. Good luck to you!"

    "Oh my God!" Said Samuel. "Oh my God! This is the winning ticket! Ezekiel!" Samuel shook Ezekiel who was in a deep sleep and apparently would remain that way. Samuel then put the ticket in a safe place and went to bed.

     The alarm went off at 3 a.m. Ezekiel replied, "I like this thing called alarm clock, it makes it easy to get out of bed."

    "How do you wake up at your place with no alarm clock?" Asked Samuel.

    "Uncle Daniel comes in and whacks me on the head with his crutches."

    "Oh."

    "By the way, did we win the thing called 'lottoooo'?" Quizzed Ezekiel.

    Samuel thought for a moment. "Well, no."

    "Oh well," Ezekiel said, "mother was right. Those games of the English are just the devil in disguise, aren't they?"

     "Yes, they are." Replied Samuel, who was snickering under his breath. "See you at the barn raising at the end of the month?"

    "Sure, wouldn't miss it." Said Ezekiel as he put on his jacket, walked out the door and headed home.

    At the end of the month Ezekiel and his mother were readying the tools at the barn raising when a limousine pulled up. Out of the car got a man in an Armani suit. In the car sat two gorgeous blondes. Ezekiel looked closely. "Samuel?"

    "Yeah Zeke. How's it going?"

    "Where'd you get that big car?" Asked Ezekiel.

    "Oh, found it." Said Samuel nervously.

    Ezekiel looked in the car. "And who are these women with the heaving bosoms?"

    Samuel adjusted his tie. "That's Veronica and that's Tiffany. Ain't they sharp? And the 'cuffs match the collar', if ya know what I mean."

    "But they're not wearing cuffs. I do not understand this." Said Ezekiel.

    "Forget it." Said Samuel as he rolled his eyes. "Hey, I came here to tell you that I wasn't entirely truthful that night a couple of weeks ago. You did win that lotto, and if you'll go home you'll find that I've delivered your prize, 5 great new horses. I hope you enjoy them."

    A tear came to Ezekiels eye as he thanked Samuel for his honesty. "Friends like you are hard to come by. But, you should at least take one horse for your trouble, Samuel."

    "Nah, that's okay, now you enjoy those horses." Samuel said as he slipped back in to the limo, looked at the blondes and said, "c'mon, who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?" The blondes just giggled as the door shut.

    Ezekiels mother approached as she looked over the white car with gold hubs and curb feelers. "Damned liberal Mennonites," She said under her breath.

    Ezekiel shot back. "They might be liberal, but at least they're honest."

 

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