Courtney Love

When you cast your eyes upon this "singer" and actress, who was once married to an unwashed thicket of angst named Kurt Cobain, you feel an overwhelming urge to flush your eyes out with Kwell lotion. Courtney's made the celebrity dossier not because she lingers in the ether zone of freaky, looks like she stinks, disrupts flights, and puts her makeup on in the dark, but rather the fact that she's been hanging out with Chelsea Clinton. At least I'm pretty sure that's Courtney-- either that or Roger Clinton in skanky drag.

Quote: "I am God and my lawyers are my twelve disciples."

Anti-quote: A 'last supper' with heroin. It would have been fun seeing what Leonardo da Vinci would painted. "Look at his brilliant use of color on the needle tracks."

Pluses: Always honest and up front. Fun to play 'connect the dots' with all her bruises.

Minuses: That honesty will soon end if she keeps hanging around the Clintons, who act as "E-Z Strip" for integrity. Looks like somebody smacked her in the face with a George Foreman Grillin' Machine.

Rating: Potentially subversive, but slurred speech and synapse that fire off as reliably as the original spark plugs on a '75 Gran Torino make it impossible for her to get her point across. "S" = low

Fun fact: Aaron Spelling once talked to Love about the "Star of David", and for a half hour, Courtney thought he was talking about Hasselhoff.

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