An analysis of the Democrat candidates hair
For over 25 years, the politician with the best hair has won the presidential election (who has the best hair between Bush and Gore is debatable, but that's why the election was so close). Who's got the best hair among the Democrats? Will it be good enough to beat Bush?
In this election, may the best 'do win!
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Carol Mosely Braun
"Face...pulled...too...tight... Can't...have...rational...thought!"
A series of carefully placed bungy cords and an elaborate pulley system utilizing cable suspension technology behind Carol's head keep Mosely Braun's hair pushing the limits of strand strength. When her hair engineers are on vacation, she can acheive the same effect by getting the car up to 110 mph, sticking her head out the window, and tying the back off securely with a broccoli rubber band.
Celebrity endorsements of Carol Mosely Braun's hair from:
The Joker from Batman and coach Pat Riley
Howard Dean
"I want to sell you an automobile!"
Celebrity endorsement of Howard Dean's hair from:
Actor James Caan
John Edwards
Edwards' hair runs a close second to Kerry's, but in the end, the receding part leaves too big an opening for Kerry's hair to get in a few jabs. A "rope-a-dope" technique by Edwards' hair may be good enough to capture a couple of the primary fights, but it will be a TKO by mid primary season, with Kerry's hair victorious.
Celebrity endorsements of John Edwards' hair from:
Janet Reno and John Davidson
Dick Gephardt
Too much pale. The light orange hair on the pink head makes Dick look like a "ham tar-tar" served on a suit. Not a chance with this hair, Dick. Sorry. Try to stop dipping your comb in Turtle Wax, too.
Celebrity endorsement of Dick Gephardt's hair from:
This shiny weiner dog
Bob Graham
Presidential hair? Umm, Nope. If John Ashcroft had a late-night mug shot taken, it would look something like this.
Celebrity endorsement of Bob Graham's hair from:
Burt Ward
John Kerry
The Massachusetts senator sports a style that beauticians refer to as the "Hello, ladies!" In the event of a Kerry presidency, keeping his hair perfect will involve a team of stylists traveling with him, and constant satellite observation from specialists at NORAD. On a windy day, out of place hair will actually raise the DefCon level.
Celebrity endorsements of John Kerry's hair from:
Joan Collins and Ted Danson
Dennis Kucinich
The trick to this hair is the complete camouflaging of any part-line. It's seamless perfection makes it better suited as furniture upholstery, but on a head it just looks like a hair-hat made from a beaver pelt.
Celebrity endorsement of Dennis Kucinich's hair from:
Mr. Bean and Marv Albert
Joe Lieberman
Sometimes his hair distracts the eye from his rugged good looks and athletic build. No wait, that's Joe Theismann.
Joe Lieberman's hair takes him right out of the running, but his voice work in "Droopy Dawg: The Movie" will keep a healthy income flowing for him, so don't weep for Joe.
Celebrity endorsement of Joe Lieberman's hair from:
Teller, from Penn & Teller
Al Sharpton
The Reverend's style is now clearly influenced by the later work of Bela Lugosi, with a hint of Barbara Stanwyck thrown in for accent, and all skillfully held in place by nine metric tons of grease. America isn't ready for a commander in chief with flammable hair.
Celebrity endorsement of Al Sharpton's hair from:
Little Richard
About the author's hair
A light dusting of hair on top gives the author's head an interesting tumbleweed effect. Once thickly covered dome, at some point in the late 90's the scalp experienced an unexplained disaster of Chernobyl proportions. A meteor impact hasn't been ruled out. This has left the author no hope of ever becoming President of the United States.
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