Welcome to P*E*T*A*B
People for the Ethical Treatment of Alec Baldwin
"Ramming the whaling vessel of stupidity and fire-bombing the research lab of idiocy since 1999"
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"Alec to mother ship. Alec to mother ship. Everybody thinks I'm a kook. Can't assimilate. Please advise. Over."
P*E*T*A*B has been established by those who love to laugh at the incredibly silly. As such, they should be protected and left alone, free to pursue a life of moronic statements which provide us stress relief through laughter.
Baldwin Factoids:
According to the biography page on Baldwin's website, he's an "outspoken supporter of various causes", one of those on the list is gun control**.
**Suggested disclaimer for this statement: "Unless the gun is being used to make millions in the movies."
Did you know...
Reynolds Guyer invented the Nerf ball after seeing one of Baldwin's CAT-scan photos?
P*E*T*A*B's mission statement:
Alec Baldwin says something stupid with the frequency of Gamma rays coming from the Crab Nebula. In other words, people who like politics and comedy, love Alec Baldwin. Sometimes, however, his hateful and poorly thought-out comments generate dislike from his political opposites, who would rather he shut up. P*E*T*A*B was established to convince people to let Alec keep talking.
We don't have any hard data on this, but we get the feeling that every time he opens his mouth it has a Timothy Leary-esque effect – somebody tunes out liberalism, and turns on conservatism.
Baldwin comes into our homes via television, newspaper or magazine and tries to peddle his beliefs all the time. He's the Jehovah's Witness of politics. The person who when you see him walking up your front porch you draw the shades, duck down behind the couch and hope he thinks you're not home.
Baldwin, who once said that the family of Henry Hyde should be "stoned to death," and then later claimed he was joking, is still harping on the latest presidential election.
Baldwin is still angry because he thinks the 2000 election was decided by five right wing justices in robes, as if it would be better if it were decided by one doofus actor in a suit.
At least he managed to weasel his way out of his "If Bush gets elected I'm leaving the country" statement, which immediately sent overseas property values plummeting. He's claiming that Bush wasn't elected, but rather "appointed", so he can stay put. Nice try--but for even the attempt to try to parse a sentence as skillfully as his buddy, Bill Clinton, is funny... and that's why Alec is to be protected.
Baldwin's head is a biological "Area 51" where the crashed UFO's of discredited left wing tripe are secretly kept, and the occasional word will slip out publicly about their existence. His latest winner was comparing the latest presidential election with the September 11 terrorist attacks. Last year, Baldwin told a crowd of 200 Florida A&M students in Tallahassee, "I know that's a harsh thing to say, perhaps, but that what happened in 2000 did as much damage to the pillars of democracy as terrorists did to the pillars of commerce in New York City."
The students then clapped in approval, causing the lights and televisions in many surrounding homes to flicker on and off, angering several elderly locals.
Then, shortly after, Baldwin proposed building the new Yankee Stadium where the World Trade Centers once stood. If Alec's proposal is ever put into motion, the stadium will forever be known as "The house that Thorazine built."
But P*E*T*A*B isn't here to ridicule and pick on the man whose synapse fire up less frequently than the Olympic torch. We're here to thank him. Without the Alec Baldwin's of the world we'd never know the true feelings of the far left. The crafty among the left wing are bright enough to conceal their true motives, but Baldwin just lets it fly unabashedly and without apology, like a bank robber who's not afraid to take off his ski mask and look directly into the security camera. We like that in a person.
Since those of us at P*E*T*A*B have concluded, albeit without benefit of any direct research, that his wacky comments forward the agenda of his political opponents, we think it's time to call a moratorium on picking on him until the time is right. For a short time following September 11th, most liberals, Baldwin included, decided that they wouldn't criticize the Bush administration. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that for a short time, the media were too preoccupied to care what the celebrity left thought. So, to return the favor, we think that we as Americans should band together and not criticize Alec Baldwin until the terrorists who hijacked his brain are brought to justice.
Baldwin does a fantastic job when he hosts Saturday Night Live. He's funny and delivers lines with impeccable comedic timing. Perhaps he's so good at humor because he gets a lot of practice at it when he's trying to be serious.
So that's why P*E*T*A*B is here... simply to say to Alec, "Hey man, thanks for the laughs."
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