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It's a Political Christmas
Reviews of this year's batch of political Christmas specials, by Doug Powers. If you missed the column at WorldNetDaily with more specials, click here.
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A Very Streisand Krissmass
The special that unearths Einstein's lost theory:
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Barbra Streisand makes her political holiday special debut in this show celebrating the "Story of Christmas." Highlights include Streisand singing "Memories" to Bill Clinton (who then puts up a trouser-tent for a night's stay at the Pervo Campground), and the unintentional hilarity that occurs when she sits down with a group of soon to be confused school children and recites her version of how Christmas came to be.
"God chose Mary to have his son, even though he knew he wasn't going to be around much, so I guess that would make him sort of a deadbeat dad. Anyway, Mary carried the baby named Jesus, and when she was ready to have him, she tried to check into some hotel, but they put out the 'no vacancy' sign, which fundamentalists always do when they see a single mother. I think it was at this point that an old lady tried to get her to take a bite out of an apple, and then one of the three wise men, I can't remember if it was Sneezy, Grumpy, or Doc, had to kiss her to wake her up. Then she had to get out of there before midnight or her baby would turn into a pumpkin. And that's the story of the Savior of all personkind. I personally don't believe it, but you might."
After watching this film, all I know is that no wise man will ever follow this star. I give it points for humor though, and a fine acting job turned in by Michael Caine, who plays James Brolin. Rating: ** (out of five)
It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
Former President Bill Clinton stars as himself, and porn star Jenna Jamison plays a stripper named "Midnight Clear," in what appears to be a movie shot with a home video camera. Never before has a holiday film had such a tasteless and suggestive title. Most of the film is shot in front of the Clinton Christmas tree, which is adorned with dozens of decorations labeled "property of the White House." A brief albeit aggressive cameo by Vernon Jordan helps break up the monotony of the film, but can't save it, and it abruptly ends when we hear the front door open and Hillary yell, "Bill, what are you doing in there?" A so-so performance is also turned in by Michael Caine, who plays the part of Betty Curry. Rating: ** (out of five)
Miracle On Robert Byrd Street
A remake of the 1947 George Seaton directed classic, "Miracle on 34th Street", this film's script is almost a duplicate of the original, but takes into account the fact that, due to a bizarre pork barrel rider in the "Homeland Security Act", 34th Street has been renamed after Senator Byrd. Michael Caine turns in an A+ performance as Santa. Though still a funny and touching film, it loses something through the modernization. Rating: ** (out of five)
Home For The Holidays, Then Gone, Then Back Home Again, Then....
Senator Jim Jeffords (convincingly played by Michael Caine) stars in this lesson in morality as a congressman who decides if he's going to spend Christmas at his house or his neighbors house based on how many presents are under the respective trees. One year he's at his house for the holidays, then he discovers that his neighbors have had an extra good year, and are loading up on gifts, so he spends the next year at their house. If his family beats the neighbors gift output the following year, he'll be back home. Jim needs to watch out, though, for his family is growing impatient and might not want him back this year. Kids will learn the valuable lesson that if you jump ship all the time, pretty soon the sharks get you. Rating: **** (out of five)
Janet Reno's Christmas Beaver of Dreams
Former Attorney General Janet Reno, while driving across the country in her pickup truck one December morning, runs over and injures a beaver. After treating the animal, she says, "I wish you felt better", and kissed the animal, who instantly got better.
"How did that happen?" Asked Reno.
"Whoever wishes for something and kisses me gets their wish." Said the beaver (Michael Caine).
Ever the humanitarian, Reno instantly knew what she must do. She soon set off on a Christmas quest to get every underprivileged person in the country to kiss her beaver. This proves to be a daunting task, as the former A.G. found that simply walking into a poor neighborhood and asking people to "wish for something and kiss my beaver" wasn't as effective as she'd hoped.
Reno is passable as an actress, and conveys the emotion of the moment convincingly, but her beaver stinks. The animal needed much more training before being put in front of a camera. The movie does end on a positive note, however, after a little Cuban boy wishes to be taken home for the holidays, kisses Reno's beaver, and gets his wish, as seen below in a gripping scene from the film. Rating: *** (out of five)
Barry the Snowman
If you loved Frosty, you'll love Barry the Snowman. Complete with the catchy tune, "With a corncob crack pipe, and a plugged up nose, and two eyes made out of Visine", this Court-TV release, which was produced years ago and recently discovered in a vault, is destined to become a holiday classic. If you're a fan of the white stuff, this has more than an Aspen ski resort. Michael Caine is also convincing as Marion Barry's crack dealer, Skizzi, and delivers the most powerful line in the movie when he says, "The MaZayyor really like-ses his cra-zack!" Barry's crack shows a little too much, however, and tends to make the viewer nauseous. Rating: *** (out of five)
The Land of the Misfit Goys
Marlon Brando has been coaxed from retirement (and even more difficult, coaxed from an Old Country Buffet) to star as himself in this film about an aging celluloid hero who once said that "Hollywood is run by Jews", and is sent by Santa (Michael Caine) to The Land of the Misfit Goys. While there, he learns the error of his ways, and on Christmas day, issues a public apology, saying, "I'm sorry, I was wrong, Hollywood isn't run by Jews."
Later, he receives a telegram accepting the apology, and is told he can now return to Hollywood to make more movies. The telegram is signed by Jeffrey Katzenberg, Steven Speilberg, Mel Karmazin, Edgar Bronfman Jr., David Geffen, Paul Friedman, Jeff Berg, Michael Ovitz, Rob Friedman, Arthur Sulzberger Jr., Rick Kaplan, Michael Eisner, Sherry Lansing, Lew Wasserman, Jon Burnham, Gerald Levin, Norman Lear, Sumner Redstone, and Rupert Murdoch. The latter name, as the letter of apology states, signed as concrete proof that Brando was dead wrong.
Legends like Zucker, Kohn, Mayer and Selznick also signed, which confuses Brando, because they died long ago. This only goes to show him that a good Hollywood power broker can get anything they want.
The end of the film sees Brando get the greatest gift an actor can get-- reinstatement on Hollywood's "A-list." Touching and educational, The Land of the Misfit Goys is a must see this holiday season. Rating: ***** (out of five)
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